"Pie Test Dummies"

Now to give us comfort that a Brother Tom's pie delivers the ultimate handheld eat, we've concocted a series of cunning tests to ensure they make the grade.

Given the nature of some the tests, Safety & Health told us that we should use crash test dummies. However, we were a bit strapped for cash at the time and wanted to avoid the capital outlay on a mannequin, so, a bit like Beaker in the The Muppets, we thought we'd use some (willing?) friends and family instead. These people were affectionately dubbed "pie test dummies" (or PTD's, should you want to use a technical acronym).

 

Test 1: "(Non) American Pie"

The team realised at an early stage that we had to establish the optimum viscosity of the pie's filling in order to ensure that (1) the hot filling did not run like molten lava onto the unsuspecting and uncovered hand, and (2) was not so thick that it had little chance of making its way through the digestive tract (requiring the subsequent use of laxative products). This lead to the development of Caz's Theorem on Pie Viscosity.

After this we came up with a practical test for ensuring the filling was the requisite thickness.
 
Step 1: Heat pie until core temperature above 72°C
Step 2: Cut pie in half
Step 3: Hold above a Pie Test Dummy's head for 20 seconds
Step 4: Observe whether searing hot filling falls onto the head

 

Test 2: "Run, Forrest, run"

We've all been there. You've got the quandary of the last train about to leave, but you've got a mean hunger. You buy a hot food item which you start to eat, whilst trying to replicate Linford Christie's effort at the 1992 Olympics. It all happens in slow motion – the hot food item starts to disintegrate in the hand (causing minor burns). Distracted by the pain, you fail to correctly time your gazelle like jump as the train's door starts closing and you end up doing a good imitation of a fly hitting a window screen at pace.

The test to ensure that such catastrophic accidents don't occur is as follows.

Step 1: Heat pie until core temperature above 72°C
Step 2: Check train timetable and identify train which is due to leave that same minute
Step 3: Hand pie to PTD and let off starter gun
Step 4: Observe PTD raining towards the train while eating  pie and observe whether any product disintegration is occurring  

 

Test 3: "Driving Miss Daisy"

Now some of us in the team have to clock up a quite few miles on the road as we drive around the country spreading the gospel according to Brother Tom. We're not entirely sure about the legal position on this one, but time constraints have sometimes meant we might've tried a spot of eating 'n' driving. As a consequence, it's been slowly discovered that pitching up to meetings with the remnants of your last meal on the lower shirt and a bit further south doesn't make the best first impression.

Step in our trusty PTD's to make sure that Brother Tom's will help you avoid such cringe-worthy moments.

Step 1: Heat pie until core temperature above 72°C
Step 2: Hand pie to a PTD situated in the drivers' seat of Brother Tom's test vehicle (a 12-year old manual drive Ford Fiesta)
Step 3: Let off starter gun (the frequent use of this gun did start to take its toll on the more highly strung PTD's, but we felt added dramatic effect)
Step 4: Observe PTD driving around predetermined course set over a bumpy field while consuming a hot pie
Step 5: Sporting "Poncherello" sunglasses, ask the driver in a dodgy American accent to step out of the car. Conduct thorough visual examination of attire for evidence of pastry flake or soiling from hot filling.

 

More road tests

Now if you've some inspired ideas for pie tests, we'd like to know about them. Note that with photos is even better, the plan with version 2 of the website being to have a photo album page with the "best" pics we've been sent (with a suitable pie reward – a bit like the old Reader's Digest "best stories" page).